You think your pets are pests? My cats recently unionized. Before going out on strike, they approached me with their list of demands. Below is the official transcript of our negotiations:
Trixie: We’re here to renegotiate our arrangements.
Me: Renegotiate? I don’t believe your contract is up for renewal.
Trixie: Be that as it may, we feel that we deserve a more equitable distribution.
Me: Smokey? Is this what you want too?
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
Trixie: I can assure you, I have been duly appointed to represent all of the feline residents of the household.
Me; Very well then, what are your demands.
Trixie: I refer you to item number one. “Breakfast shall be served daily no later than 6:30 a.m.”
Me: No deal. You get fed when I get out of bed.
Trixie: That’s the problem. Sometimes you hit the snooze button two or three times. Last week we didn’t eat until 7:05 on three separate occasions.
Me: You keep track?
Trixie: Naturally.
Me. OK. Breakfast no later than 6:30 on workdays but I get to sleep in until at least 7:30 on weekends. And….you promise not to sit on my chest and rub your nose in my face before my alarm goes off.
Trixie: That seems fair enough. Now, regarding our second demand.
Me: Don’t even bother. I refuse to spoon feed caviar to anyone.
Trixie: How about fresh fish in our dishes once a month.
Me: The best I can do is to let you lick the empty Tuna can on Fridays during Lent.
Trixie: You drive a hard bargain. Let’s move on to the discussion of our salary.
Me: Salary! Outrageous! You don’t DO anything.
Trixie: Must I remind you of the mouse incident of 98?
Me: First of all, that was almost twelve years ago. Second, I believe it was Smokey who caught the mouse.
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
Trixie: Nevertheless, have you seen any mice in the house since then.
Me: Well……no.
Trixie: If you prefer to share your home with mice, it can be arranged.
Me: Fine. What’s your price?
Trixie: Smoky and I split nights sleeping ON the pillow. You ditch the cheap kibble and go back to the Fancy Feast. And… you provide nightly tummy rubs to each of us.
Me: This is extortion.
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
Trixie: Be that as it may, we feel that we deserve a more equitable distribution.
Me: Smokey? Is this what you want too?
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
Trixie: I can assure you, I have been duly appointed to represent all of the feline residents of the household.
Me; Very well then, what are your demands.
Trixie: I refer you to item number one. “Breakfast shall be served daily no later than 6:30 a.m.”
Me: No deal. You get fed when I get out of bed.
Trixie: That’s the problem. Sometimes you hit the snooze button two or three times. Last week we didn’t eat until 7:05 on three separate occasions.
Me: You keep track?
Trixie: Naturally.
Me. OK. Breakfast no later than 6:30 on workdays but I get to sleep in until at least 7:30 on weekends. And….you promise not to sit on my chest and rub your nose in my face before my alarm goes off.
Trixie: That seems fair enough. Now, regarding our second demand.
Me: Don’t even bother. I refuse to spoon feed caviar to anyone.
Trixie: How about fresh fish in our dishes once a month.
Me: The best I can do is to let you lick the empty Tuna can on Fridays during Lent.
Trixie: You drive a hard bargain. Let’s move on to the discussion of our salary.
Me: Salary! Outrageous! You don’t DO anything.
Trixie: Must I remind you of the mouse incident of 98?
Me: First of all, that was almost twelve years ago. Second, I believe it was Smokey who caught the mouse.
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
Trixie: Nevertheless, have you seen any mice in the house since then.
Me: Well……no.
Trixie: If you prefer to share your home with mice, it can be arranged.
Me: Fine. What’s your price?
Trixie: Smoky and I split nights sleeping ON the pillow. You ditch the cheap kibble and go back to the Fancy Feast. And… you provide nightly tummy rubs to each of us.
Me: This is extortion.
Smokey: Mrrrooow.
1 comment:
Hilarious, Janice! And oh SO true to feline form! :D
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