Kicking the Caffeine Habit

Is there a support group for people who are addicted to caffeine? I’ve got a lot of bad habits (see Ken for a complete list) but being a slave to coffee is in my top five. It’s right behind my obsession with chocolate cupcakes and my tendency to forget things, like my point for example.

One time, about a year ago, I resolved to kick the caffeine habit. That meant no coffee and no chocolate. Walking away from chocolate was difficult. In my mind, it’s at the top of the food pyramid. But turning my back on my morning cup(s) of coffee was going to be a bigger challenge.

Things started off well enough. My first decaffeinated morning was as smooth as a Columbian blend with a hazelnut non-dairy creamer. I woke up early and sat by the window enjoying a tangy glass of orange juice instead. When the kids woke up I greeted them each with a bright smile and a warm hug. This was going to be easier than getting a To Go Cup of Jo at the drive thru.

Day two was a bit rougher. More like a tepid cup of half-caf served by a waitress named Madge. I ditched the orange juice and chewed on an old sock instead. When the kids woke up I gave them each a thin smile and grunted good morning. By noon, I was checking the phone book to see if Starbucks delivered.

On day three, I lost it. I must have been sleep walking because when I woke up I found myself digging through the garbage looking for last week’s used coffee grounds. I had a cup of tap water in one hand and a straw between my teeth. This wasn’t looking good at all.

When the kids bounced into the kitchen looking for their breakfast, my wild eyes stopped them in their tracks. Ken smirked. “Aren’t you a ray of sunshine,” he said. I lashed and spat in his direction. He gathered up the kids and rushed them back to their rooms. I think they spent the day hiding in their closets.

Over the next few days, I learned some important lessons. First, I’m not sure that I even like the taste of coffee. I usually take mine with triple cream and artificial sweetener to mask the bitterness. It’s really the energy boost that I’m looking for.

Second, if you talk to me before 10 a.m. when I’m off the juice, you’re taking your life into your own hands. In fact, I’d recommend keeping your distance until after sundown, just to be safe.

Finally, my family can’t survive a decaffeinated me. Before the week was out, I caught Ken trying to slap a caffeine patch on the back of my neck. He said our marriage depended on it.

So for now, I’ve fallen off the wagon, or the coffee cart. My family has ventured out of the safe room. And just last week I received a personal Thank You card from Juan Valdez.

(P.S. on the photo. No, there is NOT coffee in the cup. My kids are not allowed caffeine. That's another story.)