.JPG)
A few weeks ago I lost my voice. When Emily noticed that I had been reduced to speaking in a whisper or barking in raspy tones she asked me what was wrong. I told her “I have a frog in my throat, Honey.” She crawled into my lap, pulled my chin down to open my mouth and peered into the dark recesses of my esophagus. “Mommy, why did you eat a frog?” she giggled. I'm glad I didn't tell her I was feeling a bit hoarse.
For a mom of three, the loss of one’s verbal communication skills can be daunting. To appreciate the seriousness of this tragedy, consider the plight of the concert pianist with ten broken fingers or the Olympic decathlete in a body cast. As I realized the gravity of my predicament, I began to plot how I would administer discipline and sage parental advice without the aid of my most precious instrument.
At first I thought I would need to learn to yell at the kids in sign language. I felt I had some experience in this respect from my days of living in Philly and driving on the Schuylkill. But I was pretty sure the hand gestures I used then were not sanctioned by the International Sign Language Association and definitely inappropriate for the under twenty one set.
My friend Julie suggested I practice my evil stares instead. I tried that with Beth (almost 2) when she threw her yogurt cup on the floor so hard that it bounced up and left a pink blot on the kitchen ceiling. (Not even exaggerating there.) Apparently my stare wasn’t evil enough because Beth just laughed and continued to lick pink glops of yogurt off the legs of the kitchen chair.
When I considered it more I realized I should have planned for this. If I had been better prepared, I would already have a tape recorder prerecorded with some key phrases that I use in everyday parenting. It could have included things like “Stop poking your sister”, “Eat your carrots or you don’t get dessert”, "Go to your room", “If you keep making that face it will stay that way” and “Clean up this mess right now or I am going to pack up everything I see on the floor and ship it to China.” It didn’t take me long to realize that, while the old standards may have worked for my parents, I’d need to get much more specific with my family.
Instead, I found myself jotting down a handful of key phrases which I suspect I could not live without. They included:
· Why are you naked?
· Please don’t lick the cat’s butt!
· Why is there a Ninja under my bed?!
Let me explain.
Phrase 1: Why are you naked? I always feared that I would utter these words at least once as a parent. However, I led myself to believe that it would not be needed until the kids were in college and one of them had returned with his or her spring break photos from New Orleans. But alas, I have already dragged this expression out two times in the past five years. The first involved Eric (age 2 at the time) in the neighbor’s sandbox and ended with us washing sand out of recesses that beforehand had never seen the sun. The second involved three year old Emily this past summer at the splash park. She apparently decided that her wet bathing suit was uncomfortable and that she would enjoy splashing in the sprinklers more in her birthday suit. I shudder when I think about how Beth will attempt to cajole me into using this phrase in her childhood. I did notice her eying the baptismal font last time we were at church.
Phrase 2: Please don’t lick the cat’s butt! This may sound a bit unusual to most people. Unfortunately, I have used it more than I care to remember. In my defense, there is a simple explanation - Beth isn’t quite two years old. Enough said.
Phrase 3: Why is there a Ninja under my bed?! In truth, I have only uttered this phrase once - so far. The event occurred one morning about two weeks ago. A few snooze buttons after my alarm croaked at me, I rolled my feet out of bed and onto the floor only to discover I had stepped on a red ninja action figure that was protruding from under my bed. Naturally I crouched on my hands and knees to explore further. That’s when I discovered the following treasures under my bed (in addition to said red ninja):
1. One pink ballet slipper, right foot, for a preschool girl, size 5.
2. Two cats, one grey and one brown (Smokey and Trixie).
3. Last month’s grocery list, apparently we needed milk, bread and band aids.
4. One children’s book, titled Good Night Moon.
5. 17 Cheerios, moderately soggy.
6. A sticky brown blob which at best was two week old moldy chocolate pudding and at worst was cat puke and which I discovered by inadvertently placing my hand in the gooey mess.
I am putting the Ninja phrase on reserve because, for some reason, I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t be the last time I need it.
Eventually my voice returned and I never had to make my recording. But later, I did remember one more phrase that I use all the time and that I forgot to put on my list. It happens to be the most important one. And if I could prerecord only one thing to use for my kids, this would be it: “I love you.” The Ninja one, however, is a close second.
For a mom of three, the loss of one’s verbal communication skills can be daunting. To appreciate the seriousness of this tragedy, consider the plight of the concert pianist with ten broken fingers or the Olympic decathlete in a body cast. As I realized the gravity of my predicament, I began to plot how I would administer discipline and sage parental advice without the aid of my most precious instrument.
At first I thought I would need to learn to yell at the kids in sign language. I felt I had some experience in this respect from my days of living in Philly and driving on the Schuylkill. But I was pretty sure the hand gestures I used then were not sanctioned by the International Sign Language Association and definitely inappropriate for the under twenty one set.
My friend Julie suggested I practice my evil stares instead. I tried that with Beth (almost 2) when she threw her yogurt cup on the floor so hard that it bounced up and left a pink blot on the kitchen ceiling. (Not even exaggerating there.) Apparently my stare wasn’t evil enough because Beth just laughed and continued to lick pink glops of yogurt off the legs of the kitchen chair.
When I considered it more I realized I should have planned for this. If I had been better prepared, I would already have a tape recorder prerecorded with some key phrases that I use in everyday parenting. It could have included things like “Stop poking your sister”, “Eat your carrots or you don’t get dessert”, "Go to your room", “If you keep making that face it will stay that way” and “Clean up this mess right now or I am going to pack up everything I see on the floor and ship it to China.” It didn’t take me long to realize that, while the old standards may have worked for my parents, I’d need to get much more specific with my family.
Instead, I found myself jotting down a handful of key phrases which I suspect I could not live without. They included:
· Why are you naked?
· Please don’t lick the cat’s butt!
· Why is there a Ninja under my bed?!
Let me explain.
Phrase 1: Why are you naked? I always feared that I would utter these words at least once as a parent. However, I led myself to believe that it would not be needed until the kids were in college and one of them had returned with his or her spring break photos from New Orleans. But alas, I have already dragged this expression out two times in the past five years. The first involved Eric (age 2 at the time) in the neighbor’s sandbox and ended with us washing sand out of recesses that beforehand had never seen the sun. The second involved three year old Emily this past summer at the splash park. She apparently decided that her wet bathing suit was uncomfortable and that she would enjoy splashing in the sprinklers more in her birthday suit. I shudder when I think about how Beth will attempt to cajole me into using this phrase in her childhood. I did notice her eying the baptismal font last time we were at church.
Phrase 2: Please don’t lick the cat’s butt! This may sound a bit unusual to most people. Unfortunately, I have used it more than I care to remember. In my defense, there is a simple explanation - Beth isn’t quite two years old. Enough said.
Phrase 3: Why is there a Ninja under my bed?! In truth, I have only uttered this phrase once - so far. The event occurred one morning about two weeks ago. A few snooze buttons after my alarm croaked at me, I rolled my feet out of bed and onto the floor only to discover I had stepped on a red ninja action figure that was protruding from under my bed. Naturally I crouched on my hands and knees to explore further. That’s when I discovered the following treasures under my bed (in addition to said red ninja):
1. One pink ballet slipper, right foot, for a preschool girl, size 5.
2. Two cats, one grey and one brown (Smokey and Trixie).
3. Last month’s grocery list, apparently we needed milk, bread and band aids.
4. One children’s book, titled Good Night Moon.
5. 17 Cheerios, moderately soggy.
6. A sticky brown blob which at best was two week old moldy chocolate pudding and at worst was cat puke and which I discovered by inadvertently placing my hand in the gooey mess.
I am putting the Ninja phrase on reserve because, for some reason, I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t be the last time I need it.
Eventually my voice returned and I never had to make my recording. But later, I did remember one more phrase that I use all the time and that I forgot to put on my list. It happens to be the most important one. And if I could prerecord only one thing to use for my kids, this would be it: “I love you.” The Ninja one, however, is a close second.
No comments:
Post a Comment